I filmed her today
Mid-meltdown in one of the worst ones yet
Hitting me, biting me, throwing things at me
Not filmed in any antagonistic way but because I read online somewhere (and therefore it must be true!) that when they’re in such a rage they can’t understand the damage they might cause, and when they are calm to replay a tiny bit for them, to discuss together
And my sister in law who saw some of my tears and who loved me with wine and cheese later who told me she’d heard it all,
Even her jaw literally dropped when I showed her the video.
And I know most people WOULD say well I’d soon sort that out!
(Not my sis in law, she told me to get plants 🙂 🌱which is exactly what would help)
But I’m talking about most of society here, had they seen that behaviour + video I know it would be the ‘why don’t you just smack her and show her how it feels’
(yep tried that and it made her a million times worse AND broke our trust, never doing that again and realised there HAS to be a better way)
And of course there is!
*Prevention not cure
*And love, when she is ready to fall back to me again
Like she did today, an hour later, making a heart shape with her hands at me from the floor ❤️
And the truth is I’m not sure I even want her to stop anyway!
Have you ever seen a fury like that, a fury that rages and burns at injustice?
Isn’t that the fury of Martin Luther King, or any real great leader who simply burns at their desire for another outcome?
She literally blazes. And I am not and will not EVER stamp on those flames! (And how blessed I am to mother all of this child).
Of course I might help her to channel it a little 😉 and when she is older show her the state of the world and the reality of it so that she can actually, get entirely furious about it!
+ until then yes I will cry and be a normal parent and wish in the heat of the moment that things could be another way
But how can I wish that, really?! It would be like wishing for another version of her, another child entirely
And that would never be love, to not love the fullness of her!
And In fact
The moment when I was MOST furious in my own life
Was the very moment I took absolute responsibility for the mess my life had turned into!
I was furious I had lost my baby, furious I had ended up practically homeless + living with kind strangers who took me in, furious that I’d given up my business, furious that if there was a God that could let this happen to me!
And of course what we don’t see in the fire
Because we’re all so goddamned scared of it or hate it because we can’t ‘control, tame + discipline’ it
Is that fire, real fire!
It burns down what needs to be burned down
(Her burning at her current reality, asking, in her own way, for nature walks, rhythm, her pets back again)
And what emerges is always the new, stronger, version of whatever died.
And no wonder then at that point in my life when I found my true fury + fire from that place sprang
A business that impacted thousands of lives
Burning creativity and the urge to impact thousands of other lives with my work.
In the pages of my journal I literally burned every single day at the injustice of it all and more so – burned with anger that I had let things become this way –
What I want to know is or maybe you need to know,
Is that maybe, actually, YOU need to be more furious!
Perhaps if more people were furious (and yes I know this goes entirely against zen / yoga BUT equally the goal is never not to feel, and I think yoga / mindfulness has confused a whole lot of people who believe the goal is peace and calm without understanding that this doesn’t mean whitewashing the world and picket fencing our hearts!)
Maybe if more people were furious
Maybe if you finally decided that struggle, sitting on the fence,
keeping quiet and piping down and just blindly and resolutely receiving your current fate like it’s set in concrete was actually something to become furious about
Maybe you finally got so angry with what you currently saw in front of you,
knew firmly that your current experience is NOT in God’s plan,
NOT your destiny and certainly
NOT how the rest of your life until you’re dead is going to be
Maybe then you’d explode like a firework and paint the whole damn sky and be exactly who you were born to be 💥
And no wonder then I’m in complete awe of her rage,
And probably my own too really!
Back then when I took my future into my own hands and finally began the tip of understanding about co-creation it was driven by anger and frustration, not that you need to hold that in any way –
But you know.
At some point that spark that lights the world will quite probably begin with you
Being so DONE and over the struggle
That you have no choice but to explode!
Or stay imploding quietly on the inside until there’s nothing left of you.
Find out what you’re burning for, decide you are DONE with this now, forever!
And burn it. 🔥
And if it burns the world on the way?
It was only after I burned my ideas of business,
Holding the baby that was never meant to be
Only after I burned those desires and loss and memories to the ground
And even then I wasn’t done!
Had to linger in the ashes of PTSD after her birth for far longer than I would have liked! And I still have to dust those off every so often.
But eventually you know
Through the ashes you tend
And so maybe
When you look at where calm has got us, where reasoning has got us, diplomacy, blind acceptance beyond the odd status update and organised marches that look great on social media but soon fade into fond memories
well, where has being the calm rational one got you?
Other than a head pat and a good citizen award and a soul slowly bleeding through your soles into a puddle
Maybe what’s needed
Isn’t the rigour of discipline (a cry to stuff yourself into conformity if ever I heard one)
Or the dampening of all of you
But battle cries
And a rage
Which is your absolute declaration that
Never has been, never will be-
Right, or enough, or what you wanted.
And you simply choose instead to burn
For everything you struggled through
Everything you’re born for
Sound too scary? Too… raw, violent, untamed?
Then take your current reality and make your peace with it –
Because true change was never shifted from a place of acceptance
but from a flame that burned, + burned, + burned.
Look around you and decide now –
Is this the house you built? And is it all you dreamed of?
And if not – burn it down, walk away, don’t look back and least of all