Because actually, that’s my normal mother-state. Noisy, chaotic and kind of wanting to scream at the endless repeated questions, endless requests, the way I can’t even get up at 5am to have time to myself before someone shortly follows me down the stairs, or a conversation on the phone without someone bursting into my office, why, it’s a miracle I get ANYTHING done at all, let alone somehow managed to have create a business and write books and serve my clients AND build my startup! Although, admittedly, the startup is still in build mode and this could be why, but probably not, not like I’m not working in it daily!
Because what I’ve come to know over the last decade of being in business, WITH babies, WITH one child in particular who does not sleep, well she sleeps better now but who will never be a night owl, let’s put it that way!
and all the time homeschooling and refusing to put them in school except for the time we put them two days a week into this tiny little beautiful steiner hillside school but then that closed…
What I have learned is that what you will need, is endless patience. Which, when you were not front of the queue for that particular gift, is going to be something you have to not just learn
But actually discipline yourself into. And – even worse – come to enjoy.
Yes. Enjoy being patient. I know. I really, really do.
And it made me laugh when a few years ago, upon witnessing me with my kids, someone casually remarked ‘you’re so good with them, you’re so patient and calm’
And I had to laugh because if only they could see the level of IMpatience that went on in my head!
And yet I do not show it to my kids NOT because I believe in hiding our true selves in any way! but because I know –
It’s not their fault.
It’s not their fault I feel frustrated, impatient, like nothing is being done, like things are only moving at a fraction of the pace they could be!
It’s not their fault I want everything done yesterday, that it frustrates me that my littlest still isn’t yet reading (don’t you know how magical books are)!? or my eldest is 8 and can’t tie her shoelaces and of course then what I’m really impatient with is MYSELF because where do I expect them to learn these things?!
And where do I expect them to learn
Patience and kindness, and stillness, and the habits that come with giving yourself time, and space?!
And so when I feel that firelike burn of impatience rising up
I simply – breathe. Remembering that the impatience I feel is the impatience in me
The FEAR in me
That my kids will not learn, will not grow, that my business will not rise, that I will go to the grave without all of the callings in my soul being poured into the world, that the difference I am here to make will not happen and I will go – Unloved, Unnoticed, and that’s it, the end, time to go. That I will miss something, that there is more to see, do, be, have, and before I know it it’s too late –
And certainly the impatience and frustration I feel at myself NOT being disciplined enough to create what I want, including the body, the life, the creations, the service, more of the dream!
I looked at her today
Crying under a table
A sight which would break any parents heart and yet what you didn’t see is the two hours of ‘I’m bored’ before that right as I was about to go to my office, shouting throughout my conversation, and then the refusal to come for a cuddle yet saying she wanted help, all at a time when the new idea for a book is bursting out of my soul, and I literally wanted to shout. I could feel the anger, feel the fire rising up at her refusal to come to me, her insistence that I come to her and –
I sat down, on the steps. Took a breath
And in that split second I realised
This is what you need.
Endless patience when business isn’t flowing like you thought it would, endless patience when you start and rewrite your post five times in one go because nothing is flowing, endless patience when your words land on ears of stone, endless patience when you rise at 5 and it’s SO much harder than you thought it would be and countless times you want to go back to bed, and then nothing seems easy, endless patience when you have to repeat yourself twenty times in twenty different ways, endless patience when words and looks wound you, endless patience for nothing less than
Your own ego and fear which chase you down daily.
And so I hugged. And I made toast with feta and pomegranate because it’s the season here and we have an abundance of them as our amazing friend / landlord took us to his orchard and showered us with them, and I hugged some more, and I walked around the living room finding an activity, being prepared to wait as long as it takes –
And that’s what you do.
you’re here for as long as it takes. Aren’t you?
Didn’t you know when you signed up for this it would be hard, challenging, confronting? That you would have to release your weapons, the fight, the adrenalin, the push, the hurry –
find the fire within you to keep burning for what you are really here for?
Which is never the conflict, the impatience, the cynicism, the masculine shield we have come to protect ourselves with!
And as for the how, because everyone always wants the how –
A breath. A slowing in any particular moment. Conscious state. 5am starts to release anything and everything before anyone else stirs. Sleep, rest, nurturance of self. Yoga. Devotion to learning and growth and self-improvement. Coaches, mirrors, forgiveness work.
All of it, tools for you to use, but the key that unlocks them all will simply be the choice to know
That this is what you came for
This is what you are beyond blessed to have, to be able to choose,
And so then, to be able to choose
To wait forever, if necessary! To wait for as long as it takes, for as long as it takes.
And so now there is nothing perfect about patience
It’s hard, you will fail many times on the journey.
Now she sits with the gift of my imperfect patience, colouring in lady and the tramp pictures, and it’s not my dream vision of homeschooling, or steiner schooling, ideally for me she would be out collecting leaves or making crowns or something but this is his way and so again –
I call in patience.
I call in patience for my body, that I ate toast today.
I call in patience and kindness for these imperfect words I write to you today, to not delete, not run from them, not run from the judgement they may receive.
I call in endless patience simply because I know
Really – what other choice is there?
You don’t want the fruits of your fear but only to harvest what is good, and what you believe.
And I choose to believe that
We have endless patience when we can trust and believe that All Is Coming. And All Is Well.
Like a mantra, if you like, repeat it then.
All is coming, all is well, and you have endless patience available to you,
Whenever you choose.
This is not a dress rehearsal.