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Yesterday Was Hard

Yesterday was hard. My daughter had a meltdown at around 6.30am.

For those of you who have never read about oppositional defiance disorder, it can be heartbreaking. It often goes hand in hand with autism.

I won’t share all the details of it here and to be honest it’s been so long since she had an ‘episode’ I thought she had outgrown it.

So we relaxed. Became ‘normal’ parents – bright play areas, ice cream, a late bed time, another ice cream.

And her,
silently going into sensory overdrive.

Storm clouds gathering.

It came at me like a hurricane.
The same words strung together,
Louder and louder,
Until she was screaming in my face,
Throwing things at me.

I tried everything. Pacifying, understanding, staying calm and saying nothing.

How could anything I could do work?
Her system was outletting everything we had exposed her to.

And I cried.
I used to believe children shouldn’t see their parents cry.
This one has ripped through that old belief.
This time I sobbed like never before.
Because I felt I couldn’t reach her.

I couldn’t help her out.
I can help my clients make six figures,
I can help women live a location free life,
And live in places and homes they’ve only ever dreamed of,
I can help women all over the world feel more vibrant and alive and in touch with their creative powers.

But I couldn’t reach my own daughter crying and screaming,
And those feelings of helplessness overwhelmed me.

I sank to my knees on her floor and sobbed and sobbed.

And she turned
And cuddled me.

And

Like that, it was gone.

Emotions can ruin us.
But sometimes they can bring us closer together.

And I share this because it’s so easy to look at my feed and think how perfect life is.

But love is not perfect.
Love will tear you apart brutally,
Rip down all your walls,
Until you wonder how you are left standing.

And then,
You aren’t standing.

You are falling apart.
And a five years old’s arms help you to remind you who you really are.

Because helplessness isn’t real and isn’t who you really are,
In the same way my daughter is not her shouting or defiance or meltdown.

These are feelings we succumb to when we feel powerless,
When we need help,
And nobody is there to lift us.

But you are supposed to fall apart.
We are meant, to be able to submit.
We are designed, to release and express.

And we are designed to do it,
Without fear of ‘doing it wrong’.

In business I create pretty freely now.
For so long I wanted to make sure I ticked all the ticklists and all the boxes.
Now I just show up and do whatever feels good.

And I’m learning that parenting is the same.

Do what feels good, not what you’re told is right.

It is ok to cry. It does not mean you are showing weakness.
You do not always have to be strong, authoritarian.

You can be real. You can be human. And you can say, I’m not ok. And you can cry.

Because you’re teaching them emotional freedom in doing so.

And that is so very, very freeing.

And ultimately,

There sits opportunity for deeper Love.

This is the cafe in a hotel I went to by myself afterwards for some much needed mama time.

I spent the first thirty minutes just decompressing! And then I journalled. And by the end of it i’d planned out an entire brand new program and and webinar and felt amazing.

Because when we release emotion in one area… it releases us everywhere.

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