A morning of love. He brings me rosehip tea, letters from the monk who sold his ferrari, caramel chocolate and sunshine tinted flowers. He gives the girls puffy balloons and chocolate eggs. 

And more still

I sit at my laptop

And think in amazement

At how many past clients have suddenly begun to COME BACK to me. Clients I thought had left YEARS ago – rejoining my programs. Showing up in my group. (Join here if you haven’t already)!

And yet also

I think about, the tiny fractures of you.

*He wasn’t there when I needed him most
*She unfollowed, and I thought we were friends, close even
*A year ago, the inquest

Some loss is too big to comprehend, the loss that lives under your skin for years and years

In fact, most loss never really leaves because entwined with the loss is the love we had, and what we shared, but worse, the daydreams of what was meant to be and what now never is to be –

THAT is what our soul refuses to let go of, our hopeful imaginings.

And she asks me, how?

How do I do this?

Like so many before.

Because my loss began aged three

And so it’s been a lifetime of living with loss

which I guess set me up for the losses to follow, and why maybe I learned to handle that loss that comes with business, why for me it’s perhaps familiar to me to exist with loss, to know it and accept it as an inevitable comrade.

And there were SO many more to follow and in particular those that came as a result simply of becoming more ME, more of who I am

*The hate group set up by some of my clients whom I cared about deeply
Whose stories had bonded us together
Who I KNEW, really, were hurting not at me but at some other injustice
BUT STILL
It hurt… momentarily 😉

*My closest friend whose husband publicly declared on facebook how crass I was for talking about money in public

*Probably my best friend – we fell out over POLITICAL BULLSHIT, can you even believe that?

And what you’re left holding on to is nothing
A space in your heart where they used to sit.

And the hard truth is

When you become MORE of who you are
When you stand in your truth
When you begin to speak out
When you begin to shine

The people you have loved
Will see something in you they refuse to acknowledge in themselves OR
You represent for them, something their soul simply does not align with.

You trigger their truth which may or may not be ready to come out
To heal
To shift

And so
You fracture
Different pieces now of the same bone
and even if you were to fix, repair, heal
It will never be quite the same anyway.

And the real reason why it hurts so much?
Ego.

And because like me
You’re a romantic who believes love is all there is.

But love is
Compassion for the journey of somebody else
And understanding that
That person should be free to find the people and things that do align for them
Or maybe just free to sit in their ivory towers and perfect homes despite you bleeding into your work and your words and your life

Whatever they choose is
Entirely irrelevant, really, for you and your life

And that’s the thing that hurts most because our ego stamps its feet and says NO!!! It cannot be this way,
I matter!
And you do. But still – their choice really, is IRRELEVANT

And the bittersweetness that comes like autumn rain is this
When you accept the loss
People will show up in your life
And surround you with a love greater than you ever had before.
DIFFERENT yes, but so much stronger
Because those people love ALL of you

The you that is brave
The you that is different
The you that is whole and NOT

Based on one tiny slice of life.

Because people leave because of their perception.
They perceive life, or themselves, or you to be a certain way
But what they do not see is truth and the whole of you (or the truth and the whole of themselves).

Like the haters who left after seeing just the shred of me online- and not the ALL of me (funny half those people in that group CAME BACK and still open all my mails)!!! 😉

Like the people who see me talking online but forget
Our memories
The warmth of our moments together

They see one thing and their mind tells them
It MUST BE THIS WAY and so it is, for them.

But the gift inside the pain
Is the silver lining of your own freedom

MORE freedom to stand deeper still in ALL you are
And those people, your REAL people, the people who see the whole
WILL see you
+ find you
And shine alongside you
Healing collective wounding
Sharing gifts with the world.

In fact since the LOSSES I’ve found online and off, probably some of the most kindred spirits I’ve known, absolute soul sisters and clients

And would they be there, had I not had to walk through the fire first!?

No.

Your freedom has a price, freedom ALWAYS had a price, but with your freedom you get to create a business + a life that matters, that WILL impact others, even if by the loosest of associations and what’s more you will know that those that ARE there, even if for the briefest of times?

ARE LOVE.

There is always more love for you to find.

And so ‘how do I… ‘

The answer is in a million ways. You get over it through grieving, through whatever you need to feel, through darkness and shock and anger and raw bitterness and then through simply deciding that

THIS
THEY
WIll never slow you down
Or stop you from doing
The work you were put here for, even in its shaking + naked rawness

You will stand regardless.

And you will be free
And you will have MORE love
And you will know

And funnily enough
This is how the world moves open into MORE love.

And you, right along dancing on the crest of that wave
That rises when you
Decide
To honour MORE of who you are in response
And like all waves
You pick up and carry along
Those dancing drops just like you
And together
Your message
Your movement
The desires + truths of your soul
Will become a tidal wave
Where one day
You break the shore
Into a brave new, beautiful world.

MORE of who you are is needed in response
More truth
More you

More dancing
More energy
More knowing concretely you have a mission and a purpose you were put here for

The funny thing is we perceive loss as ‘less’
When really loss can give you
MORE than
What you dreamed of.

And that is what you hold on to.

Love is seasonal, and it is choice.

And when one day you wake up and find someone is no longer choosing you

Then you decide to choose yourself

Choose MORE of who you are
Choose GREATER purpose
Choose MORE freedom
Choose to see the rest of the love you have surrounding you
Choose gratitude for those things

And when you do that
You choose freedom, and ironically

Love of the best kind.